I was raised by an independent Southern Black woman.  She was married, had children, divorced, raised her children and took on the responsibility of raising her sister’s children – She did it alone. She was the strongest, smartest woman I’ve ever known.  Shout out to my Mama.  (RIG)

I never heard my mother say, “You need a man”.  Instead my entire life; I heard “You can do bad all by yourself” and “If you want it, go get it.  You can do it”.  I imagine she was strong because she had to be.  By the age of 16 her mother had passed away and her father left her and her siblings to basically take care of themselves.  My mother was a no nonsense, old school woman.  She passed that strength on to me.  Unfortunately, I too divorced and raised my child on my own.  You might say there’s a pattern here.  I might agree. 

There’s a recurring scenario in our community; single women raising children.  Man or woman; if you’re left to raise children on your own, you have no other choice than to be strong.  If your partner leaves you to do the work on your own; you will naturally see that person as irresponsible, weak and unworthy of respect.  I’m not saying you must stay in a relationship to raise children.  I’m saying both parties must be present and EQUALLY bear the responsibility.

If you carry a 10lb weight with your left arm for 18yrs and never switch to the right arm – Which arm builds muscle?  Which arm gets strong? Many women have become the left arm.  Now here is the problem; most men want a feminine soft arm without the muscle.  Don’t get me wrong, you can be strong and feminine, but you can’t be strong and submit to the weak.

Our strength has been categorized as being “hard”. Some women are hard, most women aren’t.  Most women are busy educating themselves, building careers, raising children and we just don’t have time for nonsense.  I love men.  This is not an assault on men.  I personally would love to show a man the soft feminine me, but I can never let down my guard long enough.  In my experience I’ve encountered the following, and I am left to protect my peace and my heart. If that makes me hard, then so be it.

·        Men who can’t lead – A woman who must make every decision becomes the head.

·        Men who make poor decisions – An educated woman will never be submit to an unprepared/uninformed man.

·        Men who don’t follow through on arrangements/promises – This breeds disappointment.  A woman will put up her guard and seek to protect herself.

·        Men who take and don’t know how to give – This is not limited to material things. Giving emotionally is equally important.  This makes a woman the sole caregiver.  It’s exhausting. 

·        Men who want to be chased – A woman who is made to chase a man will eventually question her worth. This is unacceptable to a confident woman.

 We’re not going to solve the problem in this blog.   Starting the conversation is important.  A woman must feel safe and appreciated in order to reveal her soft side.  Perhaps the issue isn’t that we’re too strong. Perhaps those who feel this way aren’t strong enough.

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