What’s a frenemy?  These are people in your circle.  You may see them occasionally or hang out with them on a regular basis.  On the outside they look like friends, but when you scratch the surface, you’ll find an enemy within.  I’m not talking about an arch nemesis.  They’re not trying to kill you, at least I hope not.  Frenemies don’t have your best interest at heart.  They may be your friend because it’s convenient, they’re getting something from you or it makes them look good to be associated with you. Whatever their reason, in the long run the connection isn’t beneficial to you. If you’re not careful, a frenemy can drain you emotionally and materially.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my frenemies.  Maybe my experiences will help you to recognize and manage your frenemies.

SCENARIO:  I have a frenemy who I used to hang out with on a weekly basis.  We’d go out to eat, shopping, partying and even a quick weekend road trip.  I celebrated my frenemy on all their life events; birthdays, showers, holidays, funerals…etc.  I’d give gifts, send “how are you doing” texts and offer words of encouragement and support.

THE REVEAL: Over tme I began to see that my frenemy never reciprocated the same support or celebration of my life events as I did theirs. No birthday or occasion gifts.  No random texts to see how I’m doing.  No visible support in difficult times.

LESSON:  Frenemies don’t value you the way you may value them.  I have to be honest, when you first realize someone you consider a friend doesn’t value you; it hurts. Frenemies like this are usually self-absorbed.  If you choose to continue the association, you should set boundaries to protect yourself.  Personally, I choose to love them from afar.  I don’t hate them; I just don’t hang out with them and I no longer invest in their lives.

SCENARO: You become involved with a guy and find out he’s had some sort of ‘entanglement’ with one of your friends. 

THE REVEAL:  Even if it didn’t lead to sex or a relationship, your friend should tell you.  I don’t want to be with a man who has been with one of my friends. In any capacity. Sexually for sure, but this should include flirting and texting.  If he asked your friend out for coffee, this should be disclosed. 

LESSON:  Girl code.  Only a frenemy would keep this a secret, and if it needs to be a secret; then something is wrong.  Everyone has their own moral compass. For me, this would be trashy behavior.  I would definitely see sister friend in a different light.

SCENARIO: You’re sharing an accomplishment, good news or exciting plans.  It could be something as minimal as a new recipe or something as grand as starting a business.

THE REVEAL: The frenemy will either try to “one up” you or slight you in some way.  For example, if you say, “I’m writing a book”.  Your frenemy will say, “I’ve written several books.  I write the best books.  I think it’s too much for you”.

LESSON: I believe people like this have low self-esteem.  They have deeply rooted issues that you can’t fix.  They can’t help themselves.  Something in them makes them want to be the Alpha in every situation.  You can either ignore this behavior or limit what you share so you’re not emotionally drained.

SCENARO: You’re experiencing a hardship and you confide in your frenemy; you may even ask for their help.

THE REVEAL:  You learn your frenemy has shared your situation with others and made disparaging remarks about you.

LESSON:  This is the worst frenemy.  These people act with malice.  They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.  This type of behavior is inexcusable and completely unacceptable.  The best course of action is to leave them alone.  You don’t owe them an explanation.  They are fully aware of what they’re doing. If you choose to continue the relationship, you can never trust them again.

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